Harry Potter and the Chamber of Crumpets
by Phoenix with a Head Cold
Summary: Harry finally attempts to kill off the evil marketing scam while obtaining world power. A dark but very humorous parody. Why get scar removal when it's a covienent symbol in a new world order?
1. Intro

Harry and the Chamber of Crumpets By Red  
  
Disclaimer: This is the second to the four of the retellings of the Harry Potter stories from the assorted authors of Black Sparkles and I'm the only one who can actually start writing her book apparently. These stories are based on an inside joke gone way too far. The characters belong to JK (a saint), Matrix references belong to whoever made it, Monty Python references belong to Monty I suppose, but the joke is MIIIINE!. So sit back, relax, and enjoy, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Crumpets.  
  
No sit back, recline...  
  
Are you relaxed?  
  
You don't look relaxed.  
  
That's better.  
  
But don't fall asleep!  
  
Yes, like that.  
  
Grab a snack, get a drink!  
  
We like our readers to be happy!  
  
Happy, happy, happy! 


	2. The Forgotten Summer

The Forgotten Summer  
  
Harry was sitting in his room. He could here Aunt Petunia laughing wildly downstairs. They were playing Jenga. Dudley loved Jenga, but his chubby fingers weren't capable of poking the little Jenga blocks out, so Aunt Petunia had to do it for him.  
  
Harry sighed as he looked out the window. None of his friends sent him letters. Did they forget about him? "Well at least I have you, Hedwig," Harry sighed to his pet owl.  
  
Hedwig wasn't listening; she was too busy eating the newspaper on the bottom of her cage.  
  
"That's it Hedwig, fiber is good for a young birds diet"  
  
Hedwig squawked at him and half her feathers flew off her body due to malnutrition.  
  
"THAT RUDDY BIRD!" Vernon burst through the door holding a bottle of rum. "If ssshat bird makesh one more nase Dudley werl lose Jonga!"  
  
"That is not a bird, it is a magic carpet, and I am a Dudley, you want to feed me."  
  
"Food for Dudley!" Vernon yelled blissfully as threw him a rather large chicken leg and swayed out of the room humming a distorted tune.  
  
Harry tore vehemently at the chicken leg as Hedwig screeched heatedly at Harry. "Get your own food, scavenger!" and Harry continued on his chicken leg. Hedwig was running out of newspaper, so she started on her foot. That hurt so she stopped, shook outrageously and fell off her perch.  
  
"Fine you can have a scrap." Harry threw her the bone. Hedwig still remained limp. "Ruddy owl.."  
  
Suddenly there was a tapping at his window. It was an owl! Harry opened the window and the bird flew in with a shaky landing. Harry took the letter from the bird, which also fainted. Harry shrugged at the bird and continued to open his letter.  
  
Just then, Hedwig leaped out of her cage and ate the bird. She was now happy and carried the owl carcass in her cage.  
  
Harry read his letter excitedly:  
  
Hary-  
  
Hey dawg, wat up g? Sry forgot to rite 2 u all sumer. Im hanging wit Hermy at da Leeky Caldrin. We mis u and hav a kikin sumer hommey. Btw, ur misin all da fun. Where r u? O yeah! At ur crapy ars ant and uncles house! Haha  
  
Ron  
  
  
  
Harry had trouble reading through Ron's crappy writing but he thought it was about papaya juice or something. There was another letter, from Hermione!  
  
Harry-  
  
Hey buddy! How are you? Sorry we forgot to write you all summer. I'm hanging out with Ron at the Leaky Cauldron. We miss you and we hope you're having a great summer. Pity that you're missing all the fun, but it'll be more fun at school! I hope your aunt and uncle aren't being too mean.  
  
With love, Hermione P.S. Ron is so pathetic, he made me sign his name.  
  
Harry felt so much better now that he'd finally got letters from his friends, but that feeling subsided when Hedwig flew out and ate his letters.  
  
"Well maybe fiber's, not that good."  
  
Harry sat looking out his window again, pondering life. He really didn't want to go back to Hogwarts, nor stay here. Hogwarts was so boring and overrated. Also he was mad he wasn't put into Slytherin, that damn Sorting Hat was fixed to put him into goody-goody-Gryfindor. Equally, Hermione was disappointed she was not in Ravenclaw, no doubt the best house in all of Hogwarts.  
  
Harry sat pondering, and pondering, and yet, still pondering when suddenly he had an idea.  
  
"I have an idea!"  
  
He ran downstairs and got his broom and luggage. He took out his wand and put a Lightweight spell on the luggage and tied it to his broom. Screw the law of under aged wizards not able to do magic! He could blame it on someone else, like a house elf.  
  
He went back to his room and gathered a few things. Oh, Hedwig too.  
  
"Come on Hedwig! You can fly behind me!" He slapped the dying owl, which perked up instantly and flew out of the window like a bullet on the Matrix.  
  
Harry kicked off the ground through the window.  
  
What a feeling to be free again! Perhaps he could run away, a wizard on the run. But that damn ministry would have a fit if their precious Harry Potter turned to the evil side. That's why I'm in Gryfindor, he thought, it's all a marketing scam.  
  
Harry had to get rid of this reputation he had. So he came up with a plan, a plan that he was positive would work. A plan so ingenious, so brilliant, that it would never fail!  
  
Then he came up with another plan, because plan A never works.  
  
Harry laughed to himself as the wind whipped through his hair, he would call it:  
  
Plan B: Hogwarts, A History. 


	3. The Plotting Begins

Chapter 2  
  
Plan B: Hogwarts, A History  
  
Harry was enjoying his flight when he decided to duck below the cloud layer to see where he was. There were assortments of tiny villages scattered over the countryside, and he looked further into the distance and barely saw a tall, old house peeking through the dense forest.  
  
Upon a closer look, he noticed it was an old beat up house, which looked hundreds of years old; the only sign of someone living there was smoke protruding from the crooked chimney. The fact that it was still standing intrigued Harry, he flew closer and thought that it was probably held up by magic, and it was.  
  
A blinding red flash from the lawn told him everything he needed to know about this junker, it was the Weasley's house. He flew down and met Ron on the lawn.  
  
"Harry! What are you doing here?"  
  
Harry winced at his annoying voice, but he would be the perfect sucker for his plan. "Hey Ron! I was just dropping by!"  
  
"How did you find this place? We try to keep it well concealed!"  
  
"I followed Errol." Harry lied.  
  
"Really? Where is he?"  
  
"I'm, I'm sorry Ron. it's a tragic, but inspiring tale," Harry choked a tear, "of mail delivery in its prime."  
  
Ron looked at Harry, eyes watering, and stuttered, "Wha- wha- what happened.?"  
  
Harry was tiring of Ron's desolation, "He was shot down. by an owl hunter..."  
  
"No, no, not Errol, no."  
  
Harry was furthered annoyed and realized that some soap opera music would furnish the scene nicely, "Yes, I'm sorry, Ron." Harry comforted with a false tone. He desperately wanted to slap Ron and tell him it was just a damn bird, but that would ruin his plan. His marvelous plan! His extraordinary plan! Harry stifled an evil laugh at he thought of world domination.  
  
"I just can't believe that. Errol is. I mean he's."  
  
"Yeah, he's dead," Harry said impatiently, "Do you have any gruel or porridge to eat? I'm hungry."  
  
"Do we!?" exclaimed Ron as he ran inside, clutching Harry's hand.  
  
Harry sighed at the pitiful house as he entered.  
  
"It's not much," said Ron.  
  
"It's a mess."muttered Harry.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's the best!" Harry lied quickly.  
  
Ron blushed a deep crimson as he poured Harry some gruel from a large rusty basin over the fire.  
  
"So what have you been up to, Ron?"  
  
"Dad made a flying car the other day!"  
  
"Really.?" Harry pondered a deep thought as he sipped his gruel.  
  
"Yeah! It's wicked, mum doesn't know about it though. She'd be pretty angry if she knew!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because Dad works for the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts in the ministry."  
  
Harry chucked agreeing "Say Ron, Where is your Mum?"  
  
"Oh she's off at the market, won't be back until and hour or so."  
  
"Really? Hey Ron can I have more gruel?"  
  
"Oh sure!" Ron got up to get Harry more gruel. Harry followed behind him quietly like a shadow and grabbed some Floo powder from a bucket he noticed by the fire. He dropped it in his pocket and slinked back to his seat.  
  
"There ya go. Hey! Wanna take a ride in the car later!?"  
  
"Well actually Ron, I hate to eat and run but I promised I'd meet Hermione today."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Um, Diagon Alley. shopping, you know, with money."  
  
"Oh," Ron sighed knowing that he wouldn't be able to go. "Have fun."  
  
"Thanks Ron. Bye!"  
  
Harry quickly grabbed his broomstick and stepped outside waving to Ron insincerely. He was about to take off when he heard a voice behind him.  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"Ron I-" Harry turned and saw that it was no other than Fred and George. "Oh hey guys!" Harry perked up, these guys were much more useful than Ron.  
  
"Whatcha doin' here Harry?" asked Fred  
  
"Have you come up with another plan to regain the true reputation of the Potter name, restore Voldemort, and establish fear in the hearts of millions while searching for world domination?" George asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah, basically," Harry shrugged.  
  
"Wicked, call us if you need help," George handed him a cell phone, Harry noticed the Harry Potter Phone Cover®.  
  
"Don't mock me."  
  
Fred laughed as he switched it with a 'Friends' Phone Cover® and Harry smiled.  
  
"I thought wizards were incapable of using 'muggle artifacts,'" Harry replied approvingly.  
  
"It's always important to be prepared! The ministry can intercept letters, but they're complete idiots when it come to phone calls," Fred nodded smugly.  
  
"Yeah, look at dad, he collects plugs," George pointed to his house as a shutter fell off its hinge.  
  
"And in exchange for a seat in the new world order we have lots of explosive things and--"  
  
"--and plugs!" George interrupted.  
  
"Of course, plugs! Brilliant!" Harry agreed and took off to Diagon Alley, or so they thought. 


End file.
